Worthy Endeavors

TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!

2006-08-09T13:53:00.000-07:00

Subtitle: This is why you should run very fast in the opposite direction if you ever meet one of us in real life.

Lamar: HI MERRIMAN WELCOME TO THE NUTHOUSE! Poor guy.

Merriman: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

Le Poissons: another boy? hallelujah!

Lamar: Dude, TCol2 is on this email chain. And he's gonna kick your ass!

Sorry, I can't even type that without laughing.

HI, Col2! <3 style="font-weight: bold;">Le Poissons: i heart TCol2 too. but he totally has a vagina.

which begs a question, COD............

TCol2: Le Poissons...I will push you over and take your lunch money.

Lamar: You guys are so tough. No, really, so tough. So much testosterone.

Greta and I could kick both your asses. And don't THINK you don't know it.

Le Poissons: first of all, TCol2, you wont be pushing anything because you're being lame and skipping togafest. (had to call it that. makes it more merrillish)

second, i don't fight girls. but i will happily do a Raiders of the Lost Arc Tibetan shot contest.

Lamar: It is so on Le Poissons.

NoCuervo: Don't tease people who are skipping Togafest.

Le Poissons: stop right there. you're not coming either, NoCuervo?

NoCuervo: Nope. My bank is going to come and repo all my belongings to get up to a positive bank balance. The Sue has said that it is okay if I do not come, so I am either hiding in my apartment or going to Rhody to eat my Mom's food.

Le Poissons: banks. sheesh, what jerks.

Nanette: I like that the absurdity of the coming weekend has already started at 10a.m. Friday morning before.

WELL DONE people. Exceptionally well done.

Lamar: Frankly, I'm surprised none of us have openly started drinking yet.

I mean, I guess I can only speak for myself, TCol2.

NoCuervo: ::removes flask from desk, goes to get diet Coke::

Le Poissons: speak for yourself, prude!

COD: Hey! I am only one who gets to drink at 10 AM since I am unemployable.

And I am sorry to be missing the togas, but it's very important that I never leave my apartment. Ever.

Lamar: Why? Is our apartment on fire? Have you started a meth lab that I don't know about?

NoCuervo: Dude, COD and I are going to run a meth lab so we can pay rent.

Lamar: Just make sure to ventilate it properly. A meth lab explosion is not the dramatic death I have envisioned for myself.

Merriman: Fire ants?

Lamar: Or mauled to death by rapid squirrels. I haven't decided.

Merriman: *smirk*

Rapid? What will they do, chase you around a tree until you die of exhaustion?

Nanette: How is it that the only one of us, coughcoughMEcoughcough, with access to legit chemicals has not been invited to partake in the running of the meth lab?

NoCuervo: Because YOU are making oodles of money. This meth lab is for poor people. And COD was the valedictorian of her class. She and I can figure it out.

Lamar: But she made me light the Bunsen burners in Chemistry class. Because, apparently, I'm a pyro.

Merriman: Well I'M making Oodles of Noodles. So there.

Save the Women and Children!

2006-07-26T14:23:00.000-07:00

Nut: What would happen if we saw Gabe Kapler, Chris Daughtry and Ami James walking down the street?

Lamar: DUDE. That would be like the apocalypse of hot.

Nut: The hotpocalypse.

Lamar: YES. It'd be like the hot, bald harbingers of the hot hotness.

Nut: Awesome.

Lamar: Really, "hotpocalypse" is brilliant.

Nut: How did it take us so long?

Lamar: Blinded by the hot, bald, tattooed hot?

Nut: Probably.

Goin' to Miami

2006-07-16T16:18:00.000-07:00

Greta and Nut on a Sunday evening:

Nut: there is a miami ink marathon on

Greta: WHAT

Nut: it is a good thing you have me in your life.

Greta: sweeet...no shit

Nut: seriously, i am going to miami.

Greta: this show is awesome

Nut: i am going to go to miami and get an ami tattoo

Greta: "can you tattoo yourself on me?"

Nut: hehe, that was not what i meant. i meant one from ami

Greta: of what?

Nut: i don't care. i just want his hand right there [said hand is splayed all over a hip region of a customer]

Greta: you have a very low pain tolerance. maybe you should just try to get drunk and fuck him instead.

Spinderella Cut It Up One Time

2006-06-08T09:46:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, you only need to hear one side of a phone conversation.....

Nut (on the phone): Hi Steevil!

Nut: Shoop.

Nut: SHOOP.

Nut: S-H-O-O-P. Shoop.

Nut: Not the Spice Girls.

Nut: Not the Spice Girls. Salt n Pepa.

Nut: NOT THE SPICE GIRLS. SAAAALT. N. PEPPPA.

Nut: Not spice girls.

Nut: I've been informed that you know all the words.

Nut: Whatever.

Nut: Bye Steevil!

All Points Bulletin

2006-05-16T13:21:00.000-07:00

NoCuervo: I don't know where my friend is. I haven't heard from her in forevever. She could be dead for all I know.

Lamar: So if you haven't heard from someone in a while, you assume they're dead?

NoCuervo: Sure.

Lamar: We're calling this the "Ruben Studdard Corollary."

Ole!

2006-05-07T09:21:00.000-07:00

*Phone Rings*

*Nannette checks time*

*3 a.m.*

Nanette: Hello?

ArborMist: hi

Nanette: Are you okay?

ArborMist: i just drunk dialed fussel.

Nanette: .........

ArborMist: i know. but.

Nanette: He moved to CA without telling you until TWO weeks later!

ArborMist: i know. but. i wantedtoseehowhewas.

Nanette: ArborMist! NO! You are not allowed to call him!

ArborMist: remember how i told you about that big fancy job he had with a pharma company? he's not doing that anymore. he's acting on some soap opera.

Nanette: Oh? Which one?

ArborMist: i don't know. he wouldn't tell me.

Nanette: Did you google his name?

ArborMist: YES! and i didn't get anything. you know how your porn name is your pet's name and like the street you lived on as a kid?

Nanette: Yes?

ArborMist (wails): his dog's name was booger!

Nanette: ..... um ....... okay?

ArborMist: i think that means he's acting in illegal mexican fetish porn!

Nanette: This is why you don't call.

Why do I know the things I know?

2006-04-28T18:42:00.000-07:00

NoCuervo: Apparently, Ashlee thinks she's hotter than Jessica. My, how the tables have turned.

Lamar: What is her definition of "hotter" pray tell? Is she talking physically, vocally, popularity-wise or is she just running a temperature?

NoCuervo: "My legs are longer, and I don't have such a massive chest." DAYUM.

Lamar: I think probably most people like the massive chest. I mean, is that not why she's famous? That's why, right?

Stop freakin' crying, Lachey.

NoCuervo: Jessica is crying too. She can't believe he "did this to her." Shut it, hobag. Your dad is creepy, and you chose him and Dane Cook. End of story.

Lamar: Who is Dane Cook and what, exactly, did he "do to her?"

Also, you know I am all for equality and not making fun of dudes for being sensitive and all that shit. But the Rolling Stone article was about freakin' Lachey having to put down his GLASS OF WINE so he could have a GOOD CRY.

And he allowed a reporter to be there for this.

That is not wise, my friend. It does not make you seem "sensitive." It makes you seem like a giant pussy.

NoCuervo: Dane Cook is a comedian who was in a movie with Jessica and apparently shagged her then posted on myspace. Nick went to the press and whined, which hurt her feelings and all her friends had to come over and apparently Nick himself called to check on her. Giant, giant, pussy.

I never put down booze to cry. I do both at the same time.

Lamar: This is why myspace is evil. Plus, it makes my eyes bleed with all the floating hearts and what not.

I have cried into beer. But I have never put beer down to cry. No.

Now, the most disturbing question: Why the shit do we know so much about fucking Jessica Simpson and goddamn Nick Lachey?

NoCuervo: Because their problems have prettier clothes than my problems.

This summer is going to be painful for my eyeballs

2006-04-21T09:40:00.000-07:00

Lamar: I need to tell you that I just went to H&M at lunch to look around and a giant bomb of ugly has exploded all over that store, clearly hitting all the most heinous branches of the 80s on the way through. Wow.

Nut: I'm all for wide-necked sweaters and soft 80s fabrics, but I think the heinosity is getting out of control. I sat next to someone wearing leggings, a mini skirt, and a sweat band headband on the bus yesterday.

Lamar: There was so much fugly, I kept thinking I was being punked and that any second Ashton Kutcher was going to leap out from behind a post and be all, "Ha! Got you! This is just fake clothes. The real clothes are over here," before pointing me to a display of tasteful, sensible and yet fun clothes that I would actually consider spending cash on.

Nut: Be serious. If Ashton Kutcher leapt out in front of you, you would punch him.

Lamar: Am I doing this because he scared me or because he's Ashton Kutcher? Because, if I'm being completely honest, Ashton Kutcher pretty. So long as he's not wearing any of those clothes. Jesus. I think my eyeballs had a seizure.

Open Mike Night

2006-04-09T21:58:00.000-07:00

Lamar: COD is going to Pennsylvania to meet TCol's parents this weekend. I will be flying solo. But I am okay with that.

Nanette: I take you will be walking around the apartment sans pants and singing at the top of your lungs nonstop?

Lamar: I might wear pants. But they will be jammie pants. But oh you KNOW IT about the singing!

Nanette: Word up. My downstairs neighbor must hate me. But he can deal.

Lamar: I suspect any day now, my neighbors will come knocking, a CD in hand, hand it to me and say, "Please, anything but Kelly Clarkson. If we hear you signing 'Beautiful Disaster' one more time, we're throwing ourselves out the window."

Nanette: Dude, you've got to spice it up a bit. Change the mix. Do not limit your talents to Kelly Clarkson.

Lamar: Sometimes I throw in some Fuel and Seether. Or Prince.

Nanette: You need to throw in some like Whitney Houston "I willl always love you" and stuff. Things that really make the voice come out.

Lamar: That was an especially EXCELLENT sing along last night. I don't know why we all insist on hiding our talents like that.

Nanette: I don't either. We were SO good. The best part was the look of real pain on Greta's face the entire song.

Ummmmmmm.................

2006-04-09T21:51:00.000-07:00

Greta: My head hurts. Fuck you all.

NoCuervo: What is with you and Lamar and the headaches? Either you have become sleepwalking heavy alcoholics or something environmental is killing both of your brains.

Lamar: I'm going with the first one.

Greta: My apartment is over a garage. God knows what I'm breathing in at night.

Or, it's a tumor.

Lamar: Right, like I'm the only alcoholic. Not fucking likely.

Greta: Yup. You and sidney ponson. the only alchoholics in the world. You must be meant for each other.

Lamar: ::vomits copiously::

Greta: What, you don't like ham?

NoCuervo: Great. Now she's bulemic.

Lamar: I hate you all.

How To Plan a Road Trip

2006-04-05T16:17:00.000-07:00

NoCuervo: Alright, bitches (and COD). I will order today. Nanette said she'd like to have a low-cost outing, so I will try to get general admission tickets, which are $6 a pop. Are you still all game? Rumor has it Boomer will be in town if he hasn't been traded, so you can dangle donuts in a beach pail to sate him.

Let me know.

Greta: I'm still down for my first visit to anywhere in Rhode Island other than TF Green Airport.
Also, BASEBALL GAME.

Lamar: BASEBALL GAME.

COD: How come i'm not a bitch, too? I need to be edgier. That word looks weird typed out.

Yeah, I'm still down. even though the o.c. tempts me as marissa is turning into the cokehead she was destined to become. But i can't pass up a trip with you girls. And I will get a hot dog. Yum.

NoCuervo: So, are we down? I shall get tickets in a few.

Greta: HOT DOG.

NoCuervo: Okay ladies. We have five tickets to the Paw Sox. We have a white minivan. We must now coordinate schedules and figure out where to meet up. I know COD works until 5:30 at the MFA, and it'll take us about an hour (probably more during rush hour) to get to Pawtucket. If we could get everyone else in one location or close to either of these locations it would be awesome.

Merci buckets.

COD: I could be ready to go straight from work.

Nanette: My class on Thursday has been canceled, so just tell me when and where to show up.

Greta: I am at MIT until 5. If you are driving to the MFA from Bedford, you could pick me up somewhere along the way, turning tricks on Mass Ave....

NoCuervo: Okay, you glorious bitches.

I am going to try and leave work around 4:30 on Thursday, which means I will be in Washington Square to pick up the van around 5. I will be on my way to the MFA at about 5:15. So if y'all could be around that area around 5:30 or 5:45, it would be hawtt. The game starts at 7:05, so we'll hopefully get there in the first couple of innings. Stupid work.

Let me know how this works for y'all.

Greta: I can handle that. Are we meeting at the MFA main entrance?

Lamar: I shall do my absolute best to bust out of here and go to the MFA. How do I get there? Goddamn E Line?

NoCuervo: Yes. You will be the one who needs an E train. I assure you I will be far more confused driving there than you will be riding there.

Nanette: Driving there is really easy. I know that area really well. But are we meeting at the main entrence or what?

Greta: I already asked that, you stoopid whore.

Lamar: I know you are, but what am I?

Oh, wait, that wasn't to me. Force of habit.

Nanette: But maybe she didn't respond to you because she hates you. It's not exactly a secret that we all hate you. So ppppppppbbbbbbbbbhhhhhhhhhttttt.

NoCuervo: Nanette, if you know how to get to the fine arty museum, do you want to meet me at the Washington Square T stop at 5ish and help me navigate? For making this epic trek, you shall be rewarded with shottie.

Lamar: You bitch.

NoCuervo: Fuck off. Why is everyone so angry? THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN.

Lamar: Are we not supposed to be angry?

Sunshine. Puppies. Rainbows. Unicorns.

Better?

NoCuervo: yes

Nanette: Alright. G'ddamn. I go to school to pick up a paper and I come back to this.

NoCuervo, I will meet at the Wash. Sq. T stop at 5pm on Thursday. And we will pick up the car and I will claim shotgun and mock the rest of you sitting in the back for the entire damn trip. It will be excellent to be me.

Lamar: As long as you're prepared to be called a bitch and flicked in the head the entire time.

Nanette: Don't torture the person with access to the radio.

Greta: Sitting in the back doesn't phase me. You forget, I have the world's
shortest legs.

NoCuervo: That is good. You can ride next to the infant's car seat and play with whatever toys you find back there.

Also, there is no tape deck, so we are at the mercy of the airwaves. You were warned.

Greta: That's ok. I'm sure Lamar can lead us in George Michael and Creed sing-a-longs.

NoCuervo: Someone is going to be killed on the way down. Or have her larynx ripped out.

Lamar: I was just gonna say. I will totally sing out of tune with my ipod. And y'all be jealous.

Nanette: If by "jealous" you mean "plotting the best time ot fling myself out of the car on the highway" than, yes, I will be insanely jealous.

Greta: This is gonna be an awesome roadtrip.

Opening Day 2006

2006-04-03T16:54:00.000-07:00

Lamar: Don't ever make me go to a launch meeting again.

Nanette: It builds character

Lamar : I can build character by going on a hunger strike or some shit.

Nanette: But that takes a lot longer than a meeting. Hunger strikes take days and days. This is just a swift shot of character building.

Lamar: Kill me now.

Nanette: Alright. I've been plotting it for awhile now and was going to make it a surprise, but since you're asking for it.....

Lamar: Seriously. This is inhuman torture.

Nanette: BUT BASEBALL IN 32 MINUTES!!!!!!!!!!!

Lamar: Yes.

Nanette: BEISBOL. BEISY BOLLY!

Lamar: The thing is, I'm so unhinged right nwo that made me giggle uncontrollably. But they are the kind of giggles that are about 3 seconds away from turning into hysterical sobbing, you know?

Nanette: I have more! Should I keep going to see if I can make you cry? You freaking girl....

Lamar: You have no idea.

Nanette: BASEBALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

Lamar: What can we do to make the Red Sox stop talking to Roger Clemens?

Nanette: Now that's when you go on a hunger strike. And also set things on fire.

Lamar: I will do whatever it takes. Plus, I've always suspected that I'm a closet pyro.

Nannette: And we might have a chance to test that out.....

We Rock! Honest!

2006-03-24T08:05:00.000-08:00

That be hard rockin' right there.

A conversation between Lamar and Nut about American Idol (shut up):

Lamar: Oh, that song that I kept singing before the games, "It's you and me, and all other people and I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you." Yeah, it's totally by Lifehouse. Chris will sing that if he stays away from "Hanging By a Moment."

Nut: How can someone who sings Bon Jovi like that stuff? How? There is no shame in rocking hard. None at all.

Lamar: This is the god's honest truth, but if we're being completely honest, Bon Jovi is not the hardest rock that ever rocked either.

Nut: Sigh. I know. If bands represented partygoers, Motley Crue is the guy who shows up drunk, drinks a fifth of whiskey, snorts a line of cocaine off the back of your toilet, and passes out. GNR is the guy who calls that guy a pussy. Poison is the guy who has sex with four different women in your extra bedroom, but only goes back there 3 times.

Bon Jovi is the guy who shows up with deviled eggs and a 6 pack of Bartles and James.

We Still Love You

2006-03-13T14:28:00.000-08:00

We're just not in the mood to talk to you right now.

Instead, we offer some photographic goodness of recent hijinks. I'm sure you'll all agree with me when I say that our photography skills are unparalleled. Yet more evidence that we win at life.

2006-03-04T11:38:00.000-08:00

Nanette: He can't know everything! I am the only one allowed to know everything. Plus, I'm too laid back to get worked up into a righteous lather over things on a constant basis.

Lamar: That's the thing. There's no way to have a casual conversation, it always has to be INTENSE. But what I said was, "I totally understand. No worries." Because his problems are not my problems.

And this is why I am emotionally witholding.

Nanette: I felt the same way when I told you I wasn't coming due to school work. You were all like "I understand, it's no problem". Frigid bitch.

Lamar: I am a frigid bitch. This is the truth. But I responded to you and told you you sucked and that you hated fun. How is that emotionally withholding?

Nanette: Actually you said you hated me and called me a giant whore, so I guess that there were some warm fuzzies mixed in with the frigidness.

2006-03-02T13:31:00.000-08:00

Nut: I so have to get a haircut this weekend. Something that is less "Hell yeah, Kip Winger is cool" and more "No, sir, I would never photocopy my boobs on company time."

Welcome to the Jungle

2006-03-01T09:25:00.000-08:00

Nut and Lamar discuss their unapologetic love of hair metal and power ballads:

Nut: Bed of Roses just came on.

Lamar: Oh my god, love that song so hard! You know, I think the entire world would be a better place if everyone would just take a pill and rock out to some power ballads now and again.

Nut: Why didn't Coke record THAT?

TONIGHT I WON'T BE ALONE...BUT YOU KNOW THAT DON'T MEAN I'M NOT LONELY...

Lamar: You mean instead of buying the world a Coke, we should all force some Jovi or Poison on people?

"Hey, Emo kid, cheer up! Because EVVVVERRRRRRY ROSE HAS ITS THORRRRRRRNNN!"

Nut: "I'd like to teach the world to chill and listen to some Warrant...." Yeah, like that.

Now I am listening to GNR so loud my ears feel funny. But that is the only way to do it.

GET IN THE RING.

Lamar: The thing is: how can you not life love when Living on a Prayer exists? It's not possible.

Nut: Or when "yeast infections" is put into a rhyming couplet and Axl Rose puts the phrase "I'll kick your bitchy little ass.....punk!" in the middle of a song.

Poor emo kids. They must never have fun.

Lamar: I think it's their job not to have fun. I assume they're getting kickbacks from the sales of all the Bright Eyes albums. Otherwise, they're going to be very sad when, on their deathbeds, they realize they've never drunkenly fist-pumped along to Welcome to the Jungle.

Nut: That is a life I am not interested in living.

none of it was thatintereints

2006-02-26T20:25:00.000-08:00

Nanette: online really? or is my insomnia inducing delerium now? also? why the fuck am i awake?

Lamar: i didnt mean to sign on. i am drubnk

Nanette: how drunk are you?

Lamar: a lot

Lamar: n0 bu5 lisegte]\]

Lamar: i dont knoiw

Lamar: there is peeing. i iwilltalk to youl later

Nanette: i am saving this conversation i think. your drunk typing is superb.

Dance Monkey, DANCE!

2006-02-23T08:33:00.000-08:00

Greta: Entertain me, please.

Nanette: But I am boring. It is a tragic story.

Greta: Yeah, you are boring. I totally forgot. DAMNIT.

Nanette: I know! See!?!?!

But you should be nice to me. I plan on winning the lotto this weekend.

Greta: For real? Cause, I could really use the cash. The Fed is gonna repo something soon if I don't get paid up on my loans.

Nanette: Friday night is the drawing. $203 million. I'm totally going to win, so it would definitely be worth your while to be nice to me.

*ahem*

Greta: Have I mentioned lately that you're breathtakingly beautiful, in addition to being brilliant and funny?

Nanette: Interesting. I thought you thought I was, I don't know, boring or something....

Greta: I was merely projecting my own inferiority complex and raging jealousy which consumes me every time I think about you.

Nanette: You are good. You are very good. I shall buy you some diamonds ro something for being such a wonderful person.

Greta: Nanette had the idea to sell her urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Champagne.

Nanette: Ewwwwwwwwww.

But true.

Greta: Yup. The internet doesn't lie.

Nanette: Exactly. The interent is a beacon of truth.

Astute Observations from the Olympic Winter Games

2006-02-21T18:20:00.000-08:00

Nanette, upon watching four seconds of Olympic speed skating:

Nanette: Oh! That's the guy. He's really nice. And he's really cute when he's not wearing full body Lycra.

2006-02-20T05:00:00.000-08:00

A flurry of text messages from Lamar, at the Dunkin Donuts Center in Providence and Greta, at home:

Lamar: I am teaching small children about hockey. It is excellent.

Greta: Are you teaching them to swear too?

Lamar: Appropiate use of the word "cocksucker" in a power play situation for $500, Alex.

Greta: Please make sure they know that the opposing players wives suck pussy.

Lamar: "Your wife's a lesbian! A lesbian!" Dude, the opposing players aren't old enough to shave, let alone be married legally.

Greta: In other news, the US men's Olympic team is actually the Bruins.

Lamar: Ah, the suck, trancends international barriers. Dude! Black Betty!

Greta: Are you wearing your camo?

Lamar: Nah, B's hat with your lip print on it.

Greta: Hee. When did I kiss your hat?

Lamar: Don't remember, but I am certain it was you. Sounds like your M.O. AND! We have all just won a free gallon of windshield washer fluid!

Greta: Well that's a win-win situation if I ever heard one. Hawt.

Lamar: You know you're jealous. AND! If the Bruins score again, we all get free french fries!

Greta: Insanity!! What will the think of next?

Lamar: Free chili. We already got that when the Bruins scored in the first period.

Greta: Rock. On.

Lamar: The Bruins are ass-raping the Penguins 5-1 in the second.

Greta: Please make sure to explain it to the kids in those terms.

Lamar: It's all about the buttsex. 6-1 now. The ass-raping continues unabated. I feel as though the playing of Sweet Caroline is patently unfair.

Greta: Expound.

Lamar: Because this is not baseball. But everyone sings the "Bah! Bah! Bah!" parts anyway.

Greta: Are you going to be hungry when you get home?

Lamar: Probably. Plus, I have lots of built up profanity.

Greta: Sweet. I heart profanity.

Lamar: 7-1 now. I'm beginning to think the Penguins like being someone's bitch. Oh, 8-1 now.

***after a moment***

Lamar: 8-2 now. Someone doesn't want to be a bottom anymore.

Greta: Look closely, did A-Rod learn to play hockey?

Lamar: Please, the bitch would cry after one hit. 8-3 final and the Penguins fans in attendance get the sarcastic applause from the Bruins fans. Nice.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Dinner....

2006-02-18T10:12:00.000-08:00

Early on Friday Afternoon:

Nanette: Alright all y'all, where the hell are we going to dinner? Nugget, you know the South End extremely well, why don't you enlighten us on the fine dining choices that are available to us?

Otherwise, I'm going to pick and I will very likely pick someplace that sucks because I have no idea what I'm doing. Or I will pick the Cheesecake Factory because I like that place but the mob scene on a Friday night can be terrifying.

Lamar: We're going to 209 Boston which is like, fifteen feet from your house, Nugget, and we're going at 8:30 and we have reservations for 3 people and I am in a trying mood right now so unless you're allergic to "food" or "booze" don't anyone argue with me at the moment.

Nanette: Rawr.

I will be there. Actually, Nugget, I am to inform you that Lamar and I will be at your place around 8ish. She says that if you are not there, we are taking the t.v.!

Later that night, around 8:20 or so. Nugget, Lamar (in fancy heels), and Nanette (also in fancy heels) set off to find 209 Boston.

Nugget: Where are we going again?

Lamar: 209 Boston

Nugget: And where is this?

Lamar: 209 Tremont St.

**All look at street address on nearby store, see that it reads 560 Tremont St. Set off walking towards 209 Tremont**

Nanette: Are we there yet?

Lamar: Not yet.

Nanette: How 'bout now?

Lamar: We are closer. Look, we're almost out of the 400's!

Nanette: I can't feel my feet. It's really fucking cold out.

Nugget: Where are we going again?

Lamar: 209 Boston

Nugget: And where is this again?

Lamar: 209 Tremont St.

Nugget: Are you sure? Just because it's 209 Boston, doesn't mean that it's at 209 Tremont

Lamar (pulls out restaurant address from purse): Here, look at this for yourself Nugget!

Nugget: I don't want your proof!

Lamar: ***looks at piece of paper. Sees that the address is 209 COLUMBUS Ave***

Lamar (to Nanette in a whisper): Shit. Don't tell Nugget

Nugget: What?

Lamar: See the thing is, is that we need to go to Columbus Ave. The restaurant is not actually on Tremont St.

Nugget (fingering Lamar's blond hair lightly): That's your real hair color isn't it?

We're All 12-Year-Olds at Heart

2006-02-17T13:22:00.000-08:00

An email exchange between Nut and Lamar:

Nut: LOOKIT!

Lamar: ::falls the hell over::

Nut: Is that the first time in your life you ever wanted to be a dog?

Lamar: Probably not the first time. What with the way that dogs get to do all that crotch nuzzling and shameless sniffing and people just go, "Heh, it's a dog. That's what dogs do." But it's the first time I've ever wanted to be that particular dog, yes.

Nut: Oh, I hadn't thought of that. Crotch nuzzling is a solid perk.

And of course the ad we get from Google is "explosive detection teams." Don't put the explosives in your crotch, dude.

Lamar: No, that would end badly. For everyone, really.

Nut: "Johnson, we have a 833 here. All that appears to be left is a detached penis."

Lamar: Detachable penis! Detachable penis! Hee.

Nut: Is that a band? It should be.

Lamar: I think it's a song. ::fires up Google:: It is. By some band called "King Missile." And yes, I just googled "detachable penis" at work.

Nut: The lyrics, madam:
woke up this morning with a bad hangover
And my penis was missing again.
This happens all the time.
It's detachable.

[background singing begins: "detachable penis" over and over]

This comes in handy a lot of the time.
I can leave it home, when I think it's gonna get me in trouble,
or I can rent it out, when I don't need it.
But now and then I go to a party, get drunk,
and the next morning I can't for the life of me
remember what I did with it.
First I looked around my apartment, and I couldn't find it.
So I called up the place where the party was,
they hadn't seen it either.
I asked them to check the medicine cabinet
'cause for some reason I leave it there sometimes
But not this time.
So I told them if it pops up to let me know.
I called a few people who were at the party,
but they were no help either.
I was starting to get desperate.
I really don't like being without my penis for too long.
It makes me feel like less of a man,
and I really hate having to sit down every time I take a leak.
After a few hours of searching the house,
and calling everyone I could think of,
I was starting to get very depressed,
so I went to the Kiev, and ate breakfast.
Then, as I walked down Second Avenue towards St. Mark's Place,
where all those people sell used books and other junk on the street,
I saw my penis lying on a blanket
next to a broken toaster oven.
Some guy was selling it.
I had to buy it off him.
He wanted twenty-two bucks, but I talked him down to seventeen.
I took it home, washed it off,
and put it back on. I was happy again. Complete.
People sometimes tell me I should get it permanently attached,
but I don't know.
Even though sometimes it's a pain in the ass,
I like having a detachable penis.

[background voices continue to sing "detachable penis" for
a while, then out]

Lamar: Hee. That is awesome beyond all reason.

Nut: I would say great minds think alike, but I'm not sure that great is the correct term.

Lamar: I'm assuming you're referring to you and me as the "great minds" although, in this instance, I would certainly classify King Missile as great. Possibly even incendiary.

Nut: Yes. But I'm pretty sure our minds conquered "great" long ago.

Boredom Leads to Nothing Good

2006-02-16T13:05:00.000-08:00

A conversation on Google chat:

Lamar: I am about to do something incredibly shameful. And you'll have to promise me that you'll still be my friend when I do it.

Greta: Depends on what it is.

Lamar: I am about to pay 99 cents to download Against All Odds.

Greta: I don't even know what that is but I'm assuming it's a soul suckingly bad pop song of some kind or perhaps a power ballad.

Lamar: It's by Phil Collins. Feel free to delete me from your cell phone.

Greta: For real, dude...Phil Collins? What are you, fucking American Psycho?

Lamar: ::hangs head in shame::

Great: It sounds like a power ballad. A Phil Collins power ballad.

Lamar: Oh, it totally is. It's from some movie. And I'm absolutely singing it to you tonight.

Greta: Ummm...

Lamar: SO TAKE A LOOK AT ME NOW! THERE'S JUST AN EMPTY SPACE! AND THERE'S NOTHING LEFT HERE TO REMIND ME, JUST THE MEMORY OF YOUR FACE! AND YOU COMING BACK TO ME IS AGAINST ALL ODDS AND THAT'S WHAT I'VE GOT TO FACE!

Greta: Ummm...

Lamar: Know what else is awesome? On my alphabetical list of "artists" Phil Collins comes right before Poison and Every Rose Has Its Thorn.

Greta: OK, I can't talk at all because alphabetically the first four artists on my iPod are 2 Live Crew, 3 Doors Down, 50 Cent and Abba. And right now I'm listening to JLo.

Lamar: This is my fault, isn't it?

Greta: Only the JLo is your fault. The rest is my own doing. Technically, the 2 Live Crew is Trot's fault - but I won't be pointing that out to him anytime soon.

Lamar: Why do I feel like this conversation is going to come back to bite me in the ass?

Greta: Because it is.

Lamar: Goddamn gmail saves these things, doesn't it?

Greta: Correct.

Lamar: EVERY ROSE HAS IT'S THORN!

Greta: Ummm...

Wanted:

2006-02-14T13:36:00.000-08:00

Nanette: You are the least difficult person I have ever met.

Lamar: I don't know, my dad thinks I'm difficult.

Nanette: Heh, parents. They'll do a number on one's psyche. Remember, you get to choose the home you put them in someday.

Lamar, you will find someone, sooner rather than later, and at your weeding, I'm so going "NEENER! TOLD YOU SO!" during the reception.

Lamar: At my "weeding?" Is that a ceremony where all the straight, single men are paraded in front of me and I go, "Too short," "smells funny," "doesn't laugh at my jokes," until there are none left?

For What It's Worth

2006-02-13T17:48:00.000-08:00

The text of a card from Nut to Lamar:

"I just want you to know that I am writing this note with a pen that has a pale pink penis stuck on top of it. Have a great day!"

Nut

2006-02-13T12:47:00.000-08:00

Greta: It was 48 degrees in my apartment this morning. That's not ok.

Lamar: Dude, turn the heat on. You're going to turn into a Greta-cicle when you get out of the shower.

Greta: It's a long story involving the fact that I live over a garage.

Lamar: That's a short story. You live over a garage. The end. But I just don't want to have to come over, armed with a hair dryer to thaw you out.

Greta: Yeah, that would be kinda awkward, huh?

Lamar: Well, I dunno. I feel like on the Zero to Awkward scale, we pretty much surpassed the levels of normal interaction when I yelled out on Beacon Street, "I do so have a perfectly normal sized vagina!"

Greta: Yeah....we're awesome.

A Typical Tuesday Conversation

2006-02-11T11:09:00.000-08:00

Lamar: Nugget and I are having an intense discussion about the difference between "snark" and "irony." I even broke out the dictionary for it. You're never leaving your house are you?

Nanette: I am leaving in three minutes to go to stupid class that I don't want to go to. And then back here to do laundry and finish my specific aims. And then back to my apartment for yet MORE note taking. Also, my pretty new DVDs will not play in my computer. That is woe and sadness.

Lamar: I will now hum Taps for you.

Nanette: It is nice that at least someone in this world understands the burden of being me.

Lamar: I do understand. Just as I'm sure you'll understand how hard it is to be me today because I totally look hot and yet it's completely wasted on whatever govermental-conspiracy, Big Brother organization is spying on me through my computer monitor. Sigh.

Nanette: Stupid government. When we win the lottery, we are totally buying an island in the pacific and declaring sovereignty.

Lamar: Yeah, I don't know how much that's going to work with my high heels that I've finally mastered wearing, but I appreciate your spunk.

Nanette: Well, we're not going to live in huts in the sand. I envision grand mansions. Those will have real floors. Our high heel wearing days will still be in full swing! Worry not!

************************Later that very same day*********************************

Lamar: My sole purpose today seems to be to hold my chair in place with my ass. I'm doing a bang up job of it, I don't mind telling you.

Nanette: I have never been prouder. In fact, I'm going to give you a slow clap. Well done mate!

Lamar: You think that's something, just wait while I get up and pee! Watch the majesty unfold! Actually, don't. Because that would be weird. You're just going to have to take my word for it.

Nanette: I don't even want to think about it. In fact, let's agree that we never had this conversation. Remember, the Christian Right says that all body functions are EVIL. I don't want to go to hell and I fear I might if we keep up this vein on the conversation.

Lamar: Dude, we're way past worrying about going to hell. I think we should start booking reservations.

************************Later that very same day*********************************

Nanette: Where you at Lamar?

Lamar: I'm here. Nearly knocked myself unconcious with boredom.

Nanette: Heh. I bet it beats transcribing vitamin A lectures from a dude who's accent it so thick I have to listen to everything at least twice. Takes me an hour to deciper 10minutes. Only 3.5hrs to go.

Lamar: You win. But then, you don't have Every Rose Has Its Thorn on your ipod and I do. So maybe I win.

Nanette: I have it on my computer. Which I am tethered to at the moment. Ball is clearly back in my court.

Lamar: Um...I got nothing.

Nanette: w00t! I WIN! Of course, what I win is winning at having a life that sucks, so, um. Hooray for me?

That would make a great T-shirt.

2006-02-10T10:19:00.000-08:00

NoCuervo: Hey, if you don't like Indian food or Hemingway, you don't have to keep trying them.

Best. Idea. Ever.

2006-02-10T06:54:00.000-08:00

Greta and Lamar discuss how Greta can save money:

Lamar: Dude, your apartment is freezing.

Greta: I live in a garage. In squalor.

Lamar: Still. Freezing.

Greta: And I can't afford heat. I owe the government a billion dollars for student loans. They're going to come after me.

Lamar: What are they going to take? Those shoes are like $60. Maybe they can recycle all your bottles and get some money that way.

Greta: I think I'm just going to stop paying my heating bill. And burn my trash.

Lamar: You'd be warm.

Greta: And also dead.

Lamar: Yes, but very warm.

2006-02-07T12:36:00.000-08:00

Greta and Lamar discuss their weakness for Without a Trace...among other things:

Greta: There was a really hot Without a Trace rerun on last night. It was pretty fucked up and depressing but also hot.

Lamar: Which one and why didn't you tell me?

Greta: Umm, Martin was all stubbly and angsty (he looks goood in stubble) and the one with the boobs had to shoot some guy in some episode before that and there was this case with this REALLY fucked up family and there was all this backstory about big-eared Danny's fucked up childhood and family.

Lamar: I seriously just want an episode where Martin and Blondie keep fucking at work and hiding in empty conference rooms and shit and hiding from people. That'd be hot.

Greta: I like that we'd honestly be happier if that show just became porn.

Lamar: You're right. I mean seriously, why are we even bothering with the whole "crime fighting" business? It's like the porn storyline, it's not necessary but it lends an air of credibility...which everyone sees right through.

Greta: I think I'd like my next boyfriend to be an FBI agent. Maybe I should see if my cousin's fiance can help me out with that. He must have been in Quantico with someone who works in Boston now, right?

Lamar: You know, you may have hit on the right thing exactly. Because FBI agents probably travel. Or go undercover or whatever. So they wouldn't be around all the time. I can't have a boyfriend who's always around. I need time to watch Project Runway and shit. Plus, they'd probably have to be kind of built (like I have any right to demand that) because of the whole training thing. And maybe they'd have a debilitating addiction to painkillers that you could nurse them out of...sexily.

That or a professional athlete. But I'd imagine finding a professional athlete who doesn't screw around is about as likely as Kevin Millar taking a vow of silence.

Greta: Clearly this must now happen. Chris is a good guy. He'll totally help us out.

Lamar: Plus, he's got it in with the pro athletes as well. So we can work both angles.

Greta:
Dear Chris,
Can you please find me and my friend Lamar hot FBI boyfriends like you except they live in Boston and they aren't republicans, Yankee fans or engaged to my cousin? That'd be sweet.

Thanks a million,
Greta

PS - Lamar would also accept a current or former pro football player.

Lamar: PS. We both possess larger than average boobs and extensive knowledge of both the infield fly rule and a cover-2 defense.

Greta: PPS - Actually, I have no idea what the shit a cover 2 defense thingy is. So, I guess Lamar's got the edge there. I'm totally down with the infield fly rule, though.

Lamar: PPPS. But we're not kidding about the tits. Really, they're spectacular.

A Wholly Unsolicited Rant

2006-02-03T13:18:00.000-08:00

Dear Au Bon Pain,

Screw you. Charging $6.29 for a sandwich that tastes like crap is appalling. It didn't even come with a drink!!

Go die in a fire. You lose at everything.

Love,

Nanette

2006-02-03T08:11:00.000-08:00

Greta and Lamar return from an evening of entirely too much delicious Mexican food.

Lamar: I think my stomach is going to explode.

Greta: I feel like I have a Mexican fetus or something.

Lamar: I ate too much cheese. I have a Mexican cheese fetus.

Greta: Hee.

Lamar: If we ever have a band, we're totally naming it "Mexican Cheese Fetus."

Greta: Obviously.

Lamar: Our first album will be called, "Pickled Red Cabbage is Surprisingly Good."

Greta: It really is.

Entirely TMI......

2006-01-31T20:00:00.000-08:00

Le Poissons: listen! it's a tough week for me, I'm nervous. I'm punchy. I'm freshly waxed. i am on edge. please excuse abnormal behavior.

Greta: Yeah, how'd that waxing go, sunshine?

Le Poissons: it all seems to have gone well. but then again. i'm a man getting waxed. how well can it be?

NoCuervo: Wait, what got waxed? Because if it was a nether reigon waxing, you are my new hero.

Greta: Because the ribbed wife beaters irritate in combination with his back hair. And unlike waxing, the unribbed ones are only for queers.

NoCuervo: Oh. Well, that is good too. Not as cool as a ball-wax, but cool.

Le Poissons: seriously, hot wax on the balls? i'm kinky but that's too far. TOO FAR!

NoCuervo: Hey. If girls can stand hot wax on their hoo-has, boys can take it on the balls. I'm sick of hacking like a cat when I get that one. little. hair in the back of my throat. Or, I'm going to start dating less hairy people... Now you all know too much.

Lamar: ::silence::

Greta: dude....

NoCuervo: y'all hate the hairs too. I'm just the one who said it.

Lamar: Eat a banana. Water won't make that shit go away. Sometimes a cracker will work.

Lamar: I mean, what?

NoCuervo: I hate bananas. Water does not work at all. Asshole hairs. I mean, no, not hairs from an asshole, but hairs that bother me...

NoCuervo: ::stops talking::

Lamar: Saltines. Or a piece of bread. This is the shit they don't tell you in sex ed.

Nanette: You know, I was in class for the past 2.5hrs so I didn't have a chance to chime in while this thread was going on. And you know what? I think I'm going to keep quiet. And maybe weep silently.

Le Poissons: that's what school will do to you

2006-01-31T19:40:00.000-08:00

Nugget and Axis of Steevil discuss their afterlife predilictions:

Nugget: You're saying that if Tom Cruise jumped through that window right now, killed the three of us and offered to make you a vampire, you'd say no?

Axis of Steevil: Well, no. But I'm not going to go looking for the guy.

Spicy!

2006-01-28T19:00:00.000-08:00

Greta and Lamar watch an episode of "Bones" on mute.

Lamar: David Boreanaz reminds me of something. Something hot.

Greta: Buffalo wings.

*two days later*

Greta: I figured out why you thought David Boreanaz was hot. Because in High Fastball Swinging: The Jason Varitek Story, Boreanaz could totally play the title roll.

Lamar: Hee. It's funnier if you say the "titular" role. Heh, "titular."

Greta: We're twelve.

Setting Up Shop

2006-01-27T13:08:00.000-08:00

Lamar: Okay, so I'm bored. I'm choosing a template for the blog where we say funny shit. I hate them all. And I'm not going with pink.

Nut: I'm in the library killing time till my advising appointment at 2:15. NO WEB AUTHORING, says the sign.

Lamar: Fascists. I added Greta to the email chain. Now we all need pseudonyms.

Nanette: I'm Nanette, you are Lamar, XXXXX is Greta, and XXXX is the Great Rossini.

Lamar: How come she gets something awesome like the Great Rossini and I have to be Lamar?

Nanette: You are Lamar because it is FUNNY.

Nut: How did you come to be Lamar? Has she been encouraging to you to read?

Lamar: See? It doesn't make any sense. Because I'm pretty sure that dude's name is Levar Burton.

Nanette: It honestly came from nowhere. Last Friday I was at her apartment and we were talking about the blog and she was all "I need a psuedonym! Think of one!" And the first name that popped into my head was "Lamar". Ergo, her psuedonym is Lamar.

Lamar: She thinks we'll listen to her because she uses fancy words like "ergo."

Nut: I think you'll listen to me because I am perfect.

Lamar: There is no end to your delusion, is there?

Greta: My boss actually used these exact words an hour ago: "WE'RE FUCKED." That would be why I'm a little slow on the email action today...

Nut : You guys complete me.

Not Ready

2006-01-26T10:36:00.000-08:00

Don't look yet. We're not ready.